Soapbox: Doomsday Thinking

Correspondent from New York

Your correspondent was reading about a yet-another doomsday prediction (source). There are so many end-time dates (31st Dec 2010, 31st Dec 1999 among various dates) if you have lots of money, you can advertise and get the news out.

Heavenly Funny Commentary

During the MS-DOS days, Harold Camping made a failed prediction that Jesus Christ would return. Twenty years ago -- the Jehovah Witnesses and Company would knocking on your doors or if you didn't answer, someone would slip a small pamphlet under your door or that occasional radio advertisement about impending doom. These guys should have a group calendar so they don't knock on the same door twice by different people or mark their territory so they can divide and conquer.

Your correspondent decided to ask the 'Elite Bunny' what it thinks about the whole situation. Much of the Judgement day thinking makes no sense (unless you happen to be Sperminator Terminator). There's already Skynet Skype and according to Terminator movie, Skynet was implemented on April 19 2011. (It is not quite far off -- It is mentioned in several Australian newspapers that Search & Rescue missions use Skype, MSN, ICQ and Google Earth over Airborne Internet when the floods came to Queensland).

The first problem with dates is which Time Zone? For example, is it on GMT time or Pacific time? How about Japan time? Then there would be a rolling doomsday -- Someone must have known that 2,000 years ago? Someone from Japan would report about how another tsunami or yet-another earthquake in Indonesia affected them. Maybe it was a few hours in advance - the Haitians would get an earthquake and the Port-Au-Prince slipped underwater. Maybe someone was thinking in terms of Beetles -- we all live in a yellow submarine...

The second problem is numbers. There are more ants, cockroaches, spiders and other pests than human beings and one wonders why they didn't suddenly die prematurely or there was a sudden extermination for those insects. How about mass random dogs & cats deaths? Since most feline and canine members would be mostly sick by now or having lose their sense of living (i.e., like wondering around aimlessly or refuse to eat during dinner-time). Maybe they didn't have enough hard-disk space and they would lifted up some time later.

 The third problem is religion. Since the Christians are doing it, why is there not similar predictions in Islam or Judaism? Since all three of them share the same old testaments they should have the same end-time dates. Maybe there's a bit of this pick & choose you see in modern day churches - you pick the bible verses you want to believe and don't follow those bits which don't make much sense in modern day. How about asking a female judge to give a week break instead of sitting on a rag during her mensuration? Why not buy a slave? How about buying some whips and leather along with a Roman Centurion helmet while doing software development?

The forth problem is astronomy. Since all of these things are out-of-this-world events, why are there not any astronomical events to mark the occasion? Since there are hundreds of man-made satellites, why did they not yet melt under the burning sun or get smashed due to a near-earth asteroid collision? There are also plenty -- NASA would probably report a nearby star going under super-nova stage (or maybe kept quiet about it) or some new development which would affect all of us. If NASA didn't report it, then the Chinese or Russians would probably report it and most of us would be viewing it on YouTube.

Then there's this problem of those people left behind. What's next for them? Why not party instead? Surely, if there is a party in heaven then why not have a party on earth and keep it going? It could be tongue-in-cheek to say, life is one big third party?

The fifth problem is preparations. For example, why did they not advocate a 40-days fast prior to Doomsday? Someone should have published a check-list of things to do before doomsday (e.g., say your prayers six times a day to be more pious and devoted). Maybe the bankers know a bit more and would give a 10% discount on loan-interest during these times. Maybe Bin Laden was special and was one of the first to leave; Probably the bankers who loaned the money for his huge compound were trying to get him to pay-up and need some special help to get him evicted and his property foreclosed instead.

The sixth problem is what to do when your next-door neighbour suddenly goes off-line for extended periods of time. Do you loot his place knowing nobody will know about it, or just ignore it since he might have an early return-ticket weeks prior? Maybe the joy is short-lived since looting would mean you would probably be left behind instead.

For Delphi developers one wonders if there is extra help needed in heaven. For example, it would be most beneficial if someone could repair the broken hyperlinks and cross-references found in the bible (source) and maybe add an http 301 (redirect) error code between the lines. Maybe add a memory extender so the next generation can remember a bit more instead of being so brainless, or how about an IQ boost so at least your kids can be the next Anders Hejlsberg and fix all those bugs in Delphi instead? How about embedding an organic version of MSN messenger or ICQ so we can see each other's minds and can instant message instead of paying for costly phone bills? Why not add additional debugging-codes so we can single-step and fix our convoluted thought processes? Maybe add a better-thoughts-manager so you can end-task those repetitive tasks or better-reasoning-module so you can quickly see those fads and scams?

Another problem coming up would be what would be equivalents. Imagine all of us were lifted up. What would happen to the person who constantly uploaded all those things also got lifted up? There would be mayhem considering some of them uploaded over multi-year period, hundreds of uploads leading to loss-of-revenue, constant aggravation with dozen of individuals doing the same thing. How do you translate 500,000 "thanks" to an equivalent title? Should the person be called Grand Master of the Download? Maybe Patron Saint de la File Share?

Another funny situation is what happens when everyone knows each other, other than being on FaceBook or Twitter. It would be funny for, say, your correspondent to meet the actual people instead of nicknames or aliases. It would be nice to meet the trolls and understand why they troll. Maybe for Delphi Haters to meet the Delphi lovers instead of waging a continual war-of-words.


Update 1:
Typographic errors pointed out.